Oh, Jack Handy.

I decided to take a break from my incessant nesting to eat some raisins and read some old Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy that I found in a closet. I had forgotten how funny some of them are. For Example:

• "Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags. "
• "I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!"
• "Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it's comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it."
• "If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd be really surprised."
• "Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up."
• "I wish my name was Todd, because then I could day, 'Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship.' Oh, I also wish my last name was Blankenship."
• "Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot."
• "The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, 'What am I doing?!!'"
• "It makes me made when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight."
• "I think in one of the previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say."
• "The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!"
• "Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you."
• "I wonder is Dracula ever has ticks."
• "Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it just a lucky swing."
• "One day one of my nephews came up to me and asked if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one, I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he has asked me."
• "If you ever drop your keys into a river molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone."
• "The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, 'Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.'"
• "Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff."
• "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes."
• "A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it."
• "Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke.' But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like."
• "The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."

And my favorite Deep Thought ever:

• "It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."