Days 5 & 6 of Thankful

Since I didn't post anything yesterday, I'm writing about two things that go hand in hand: Atticus and breastfeeding.

It took a long time, and 4 cycles of failed fertility drugs before I got pregnant with Atticus. Lots of tears were involved. LOTS. Not all of them rational, an unfortunate side effect of fertility treatments. For instance, during the first round of Clomid, a class I was taking showed a video about the different kinds of cameras used during the '96 Olympics. I sat in the back (in the dark, thankfully) and silently sobbed through the whole thing. It was so MOVING, that high dive camera! ...good times... Here is something else I should have tacked on to Trevor's grateful post: He was the most understanding and loving man through all of that. When I cried for no reason, or for very good reasons, he was always there with a hug and either a listening ear or a joke, depending on what I needed.

The enormous pregnant beast

Eventually I did get pregnant, and I'm so thankful that my pregnancy was pretty run-of-the-mill. Labor was pretty standard too, and pushing was practically easy, even with the epidural (something I worried about). When Atticus was born, It was almost like having an out of body experience. Here was the little man that I knew so well, of whom I had been the sole caretaker, and I was finally able to see him!! What a beautiful baby! I was abruptly brought back to earth when they whisked him off my chest and over to the side table to give him oxygen. He was too floppy, not crying enough. After a few minutes, the nurse called the NICU and told them to make room for a new little one.

My little one.

Then my labor nurse explained that he had probably inhaled some amniotic fluid and was having trouble breathing. All of the sudden, I was having trouble breathing too, and I felt like I was floating out of my body again. I had not prepared for this, even a little bit. Why should I? I was full term, labor started on it's own, he'd been an absurdly normal fetus, even on the growth charts, always measuring in the 50th percentile. Trevor told me he was going to follow Atticus to the NICU, and I hurridley agreed that he should be there.

This video shows a lot of what I remember. Atticus snorting as he tried to breathe on his own, the irritating beeping of the many monitors, and my husband learning how to be a magnificent father.

He spent a few hours on oxygen and had some help getting his lungs cleared out. He had his first x-ray when he was just hours old. But, thankfully, he breathing problems were not as bad as they could have been. He stayed there for 3 days, one extra day past me. He was given antibiotics and glucose for low blood sugar (common for newborns, and even more common when they can't have skin to skin contact right after birth). Although it was, by far, the hardest thing I've ever experienced, I know it could have been so much worse. Our friends had a preemie son in an incubator right next to Atticus. We joke about them being each other's first "roommate" now, but it sure wasn't funny then.

Atticus finally home, asleep in the swing with his elephant

One hurdle Atticus had to get past then was learning how to eat. The nurses told us that little white boys are the laziest eaters. Baby girls and babies of all other races seem to learn how to eat much quickier and easier than little white boys. Atticus was first fed through a tube in his mouth, and then a tube through his nose, and then bottle fed, and then finally breastfeed with a shield. When he was still in the hospital it was the funniest thing to watch him smell me. He would perk right up when he knew it was mealtime!

Even though we had some difficulties with the shield in the beginning (I really hated it), eventually we got rid of it. Now I love feeding him! Although I have to admit, it's a lot easier to love it when he's not demanding to be fed every hour :) But I truly do love breastfeeding and the miracle that it is. I'm thankful for the closeness it provides us, and the little smiles I get when he's done eating. I'm thankful that I can make the best, healthiest food for him. So there you have it! I'm thankful that I was able to get pregnant, have Atticus, feed him, and watch him turn into a huge, giggly, smiley monster!